CWT, Along the Rio Grande, Texas. A month long on-site investigation by Cats With Thumbs field reporters confirms illegal immigrants from Mexico are being launched over the border in increasing numbers by a massive catapult. U.S. Border Patrol agents on location along the Texas-Mexico border have dubbed the device "Jose Cuer-throw" and are at a loss for an effective countermeasure. "Beats anything I've ever seen," a confidential Border Patrol contact told our CWT reporter at the scene; "one minute you're minding your own business walking the fence line, next thing you know a family of four comes sailing overhead at better than 80 miles an hour. By the time we get to where we think they should have landed, they are long gone."
CWT reporters traveled to Mexico and were granted exclusive access to the inventors and operators of the unorthodox immigration initiative. Although unwilling to give their names or be photographed, the two young Americans spearheading "Gringo Air," as they call it, were forthcoming and candid with our Cats With Thumbs team. Both men, in their late twenties, are engineering graduates from top U.S. universities. "We don't have an agenda for or against illegal immigration," Gringo "A" told our reporter, "we just like catapults." Gringo "B" added, " There wasn't a lot of grant money out there for catapult development - the Air Force wasn't looking for a 'smart slingshot.' We evaluated the Mexican immigration dynamic and realized we could fill a need and make a profit."
The two "Gringos" would not reveal the catapult design specifics to our CWT reporters, but allowed they coordinate with a stateside "catch team" using calibrated GPS devices, up to the minute wind data, and a military grade "landing net." 
"There was some initial resistance from the locals when we first set up shop, " Gringo "A" continued, "No one was too keen on being thrown over the border - we had to pay a few volunteers to give it a shot, and after the first couple of casualties we've had a perfect throw -to- catch performance ratio."
"Gringo Air" charges 100.00USD per person per "flight;" the fees are usually paid to the "catch team" by relatives of the prospective "passengers" already in the United States. "It's a lot less expensive than paying a middleman thousands of dollars to walk you for 3 days through the desert with only a slim margin of success," Gringo "B" told our CWT reporters; "we offer a money back guarantee - when you sign up with Gringo Air, you'll be over the border and in the U.S.A. in 20 seconds or less - and have fun getting there!"
Cats With Thumbs contact at the U.S. Border Patrol was not as enthusiastic. "They have a good little system, are very mobile, and pretty sneaky," our inside source admitted; "they can get that contraption up and down quickly, and even when we do spot it on radar the Mexican authorities are no help at all - we can show you video of the Mexican police actually helping raise the catapult and having cerveza celebrations after each launch." Safety considerations are the biggest worry - according to our contact, "that money back guarantee is a crock - if something goes wrong you won't be in any position to collect; more than likely I'll be digging you out of the dirt or peeling you off a cactus, if the buzzards don't find you first."
Despite the dangers, several recent "Gringo Air" customers interviewed by our Cats With Thumbs team expressed satisfaction with the service. "It was quick and easy," a new landing told our reporter, on condition he remain anonymous; " I was a little scared at first; my cousin was one of the first ones over - they had a little wind shear and, well, it wasn't too pretty. But the U.S. medical care is top-notch and the Gringo Air guys got the problem fixed." Other "fliers" also spoke highly of their experiences; " the net team here in the States was very cordial and customer service oriented," another new arrival told CWT; " they gave us our fake papers, rolled up the net, put us in the truck, and off we went. They even had snacks - you don't get those on many airlines these days."
A father who flew over with his wife and son told our Cats With Thumbs reporter, "it was fantastic. Our boy loved it so much he wanted to go back and do it again! I had to tell him 'hey, you're in America now - we can go to Six Flags!'
Immigrant Catapult Stymies U.S. Border Patrol
White Rapper Files Racial Discrimination Lawsuit
CWT - Atlanta. Cats With Thumbs sources inside the Dekalb County, Georgia courthouse report white rap artist " Snack-Cracker " will file a civil lawsuit early next week claiming racial discrimination and violation of his civil rights. CWT's contacts say the suit will name KillEveryBodyNow Productions L.L.C. and company chairman Thomas Wilson as defendants.
CWT has learned that "Snack Cracker's" birth name is Thorton Fitzwilliam III; he is the son of a prominent Atlanta cotton exporter, was dismissed from several private high schools for failure to meet academic requirements, and was charged with misdemeanor assault in 2006 for forcing a group of elementary school children to sing along with his self-produced rap CD at an inner city Atlanta playground. The charges were later dismissed after assurances by his family that they would keep him on a tighter leash.
"This is the next logical progression in the phenomenon that is American rap music," Squeel told our CWT reporter; "traditional rap lyrics have a common origin in the black urban experience, but the beat transcends racial boundaries - young adults of all races and creeds becoming sexually active naturally gravitate to dance and the stimulating, persistent rhythm that today's rap provides. It is understandable that Mr. Cracker finds the music attractive, but he has no life experience common to the rap genre origins that lend any authenticity to his performance aspirations. His lawsuit is just an adolescent way of lashing out at his own failure."
Canada to Annex North Dakota, Residents "Quite Pleased"
CWT - Bismark, ND. Cats With Thumbs midwest affilate reports year long secret negotiations between the U.S. & Canada are in the " final stages, " and the U.S. State of North Dakota is expected to become the 11th Canadian Province before the end of 2008. If the annexation proceeds as planned, it will be the first peaceful reduction of United States continental territory and the first and only U.S. State to be sold to another country. The Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade refused official comment when asked for verification by CWT reporters on location in Ottawa. A Canadian Foreign Affairs official told Cats With Thumbs off the record:
" We couldn't be happier - as you are no doubt aware, Canada is seldom at the forefront of global media interest and the country as a whole has been in a rather grumpy malaise for quite some time. This acquisition from the United States makes us a player again in the world news cycle and gives Canadians a small sense of victory over our mighty neighbor to the south."
North Dakota is the 19th largest state by area in the U.S., it is the 48th most populous, with just over 640,000 residents as of 2006. North Dakota was carved out of the northern half of the Dakota Territory and admitted to the Union as the 39th state on November 2, 1889. The state has seen a steep decline in population over the last 20 years; the loss of residents in their twenties and early thirties has increased markedly over the past two decades. If current trends continue, the number of elderly in the state will grow by 58 percent over the next 20 years and represent nearly 23 percent of the state’s population. In addition, the number of older seniors (i.e., 85 years of age and older) will grow by nearly two-thirds during that time frame. A North Dakota State Senator spoke to Cats With Thumbs on condition his name be withheld:
The U.S. State Department also refused official comment when questioned by Cats With Thumbs reporters, but a senior insider, on condition he remain anonymous, told CWT: " North Dakota has been sucking the life out of the Treasury - all the kids are high-tailin' it outta' there as soon as they can and all the old folks that can barely creak up a flight of stairs are moving back - think Brokaw and Redford - it's a health care nightmare; if those crazy Canucks want 'em, I hope we can get the deal signed and run before they realize what they bought." CWT learned from confidential sources Canada is prepared to pay " in the hundreds of billions " for North Dakota and will need to spend 
" I've been buyin' my prescriptions there for years - lots cheaper, " Gretta Trollope told our reporter; " I think those Mounties are pretty sharp, too." Kirby Thelp and several friends gathered outside his home to practice singing 'O Canada' and calling one another 'hoser.' Thelp told CWT, "Who cares? Nuthin' ever happens around here anyway - may as well stir things up, eh? " Ermeline Dissel, an elementary school teacher, told CWT, " it will be a unique opportunity for the children to learn about another culture - well, I guess it will now be their culture - regardless, they are going to learn about it." Lemmet Furl, a lifelong North Dakotan, said, " don't matter to me - they make pretty good beer. As long as I keep gettin' U.S. television; Canadian TV sucks."
Aliens Make Contact, Request "No Further Communication"
CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on December 18, 2007 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley:
The SETI mission, according to their website " is a passive experiment, designed only to look for signals, not to send them. However, humankind has been unintentionally transmitting signals into space - primarily high-frequency radio, television, and radar - for more than fifty years. Our earliest TV broadcasts have reached several thousand nearby stars, although any alien viewers would have to build a very large antenna (thousands of acres in size) to detect them." Our source at the Allen Telescope Array believes " that's the problem. We've spent millions on equipment to listen for alien broadcasts, but we don't send any messages - now our first received message from an intelligent species indicates they have been receiving American cable TV for 10 years and they are not happy about it."According to our source, the communication was received " in plain English, with no need for decoding - apparently phonetics is not a big hurdle for them. " A transcript of the interstellar message obtained by Cats With Thumbs contains no threatening overtones or warning of consequences, but states, " while we appreciate your efforts to reach out to your neighbors, we politely request you cease attempts at communication and dialogue with our civilization." It is evident from the language and references contained in the message that United States cable
television signals were the only broadcasts from earth received by our " space neighbors." The informant inside SETI lamented, " What are they supposed to think? They don't get a broadcast of the constitution, the U.N. charter, or Save the Children because our policy is not to send messages, just sit around and listen for them. Evidently the cable TV signals flying off into space are the easiest for them to receive, and unfortunately the most useless programming has the strongest signal. We have succeeded in convincing an intelligent civilization outside our solar system that we are galactic nimrods."
governance, the policy of publicly berating the citizenry as practiced by your leader, Simon Cowell, is contrary to our inclusive and benign sensibilities - we would prefer you refrain from transmitting further examples to us."
" Furthermore, your governing council seems preoccupied with individual family disagreements and various reproductive methods - while our civilization in no way discounts these concerns, our particular priorities focus on the economic and physical well being of our citizens. We would greatly appreciate your discontinuing broadcasts of said council meetings - particularly tiresome to us are the constant references to 'my baby's daddy' and 'in-laws from hell.' "
"From the messages you have been transmitting to us, we understand it is important to your culture to 'be at a good place with yourself' and obtain public counseling for intimate affairs. This concept is particularly unsettling to us and is incompatible with our civilization's concept of privacy and family decorum - again, we pass no judgement on your practice of revealing embarrassing flaws to strangers, but we would be very grateful if you would cease subjecting us to the daily broadcasts." 
"We are a civilization based on numerical values - we realize, of course, that you had no way of knowing, but the values represented by your numerical '19.99' are particularly offensive to us; the translation in our communication refers to a sexual act with livestock that involves one's family members and food preparation utensils. We urgently request no further transmission."
The message concluded with an a final request to " please discontinue all transmission from the United States," and a request that someone in authority contact the country of Iceland, as the newly discovered intelligent beings believe, " they are a people we would like to get to know."
Ku Klux Klan Attempts Makeover, Americans "Unimpressed"
CWT - Aboard the Motor Vessel "Eva Braun" Somewhere in the South Atlantic. In an exclusive interview, exiled Grand Wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Absalom Knib revealed to Cats With Thumbs a long range plan to revamp and revitalize the moribund white supremacist terror organization. Knib told CWT he aims to make the KKK " more user friendly " and " in touch with the younger generation."
The Ku Klux Klan, with its long history of violence, is the most infamous — and oldest — of American hate groups. Although black Americans have typically bee
n the Klan's primary target, it also has attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals and, until recently, Catholics. Over the years since it was formed in December 1865, the Klan has typically seen itself as a Christian organization, although in modern times Klan groups are motivated by a variety of theological and political ideologies. Since the 1970s the Klan has been greatly weakened by internal conflicts, court cases, a seemingly endless series of splits and government infiltration. While some factions have preserved an openly racist and militant approach, others have tried to enter the mainstream, cloaking their racism as mere "civil rights for whites." Today, the Southern Poverty Law Center estimates that there are between 5,000 and 8,000 Klan members, split among dozens of different — and often warring — organizations that use the Klan name.
Cats With Thumbs interviewed Mr. Knib aboard ship in the open ocean, as the Grand Wizard is under indictment in the United States for several felonies and has been denied entrance to numerous foreign ports of call.
CWT: Mr. Knib, given that klan membership has drastically declined and you, the leader, are relegated to living on the high seas without a country, wouldn't you agree the Ku Klux Klan is finished?
Knib: Well, it looks bad now, but we're not done yet. I got together with some old pals from Deutsche Bank and we came up with a plan to get us rolling again. CWT: Incidents of racial and ethnic violence have steadily declined in the U.S. the past 20 years; people as a whole seem to be maturing - how can you expect the klan to make a comeback when hatred is less a part of the American psyche every day?
Knib: Boy, you don't know squat, do you? You think just 'cause nuthin's going "boom" there's no hate? Everybody still hates the same people they always have - we've just been busy. With the economy steamin' along like it has the past few years, everybody's been workin' - not much time left over for cross burnin' and bomb throwin'.
CWT: So you believe the economy has a lot to do with how people view each other? If everyone has a job they don't need to bully or blame someone else for their situation?
Knib: Huh?
CWT: Never mind. What exactly does the klan want to do?
Knib: We want the same things we always have - no Blacks, no Jews, no Catholics, no Gays, and no immigrants in America.
CWT: Well, judging from the decline in klan membership, it doesn't seem like the "we" is a very large number.
Knib: Oh no, you're wrong there. There's just as many good folks out there that hate Blacks, Jews, and Catholics as there ever was; you just don't see'em much. Problem is, the news media and those liberal (expletive deleted) have everyone thinkin' violence is bad for you, like cigarettes or somethin'.CWT: Uh-huh. If that's the case, how can you expect klan membership to increase?
Knib: I'm glad you asked. We're gonna' start next week with a brand new community outreach drive - you know, get the locals involved. We've already sponsored quite a few Ku Klux Klan Adopt a Highway programs and several counties in Alabama and Georgia now have Klan Scouts of America troops. We'll be having bake sales, covered dish suppers, those sort of things all sponsored at the local level. A real family KKK atmosphere. CWT: I see. If this plan does not accomplish your goals, would you concede the KKK is a defunct organization and give up your campaign of ethnic terrorism?
Knib: You're nuts - I can wait. So what if nobody gets on board? I can always float around on this tub 'till the economy tanks. Nuthin' like a good recession to get folks good and mad like they oughta' be.
